Don’t Be Funny.

Binge-ing on a week-and-a-half of Olympics has us all wondering which event we’ve got the best shot to compete at in four years.

The answer, in short? Zero, ya dingus. But you may have a shot a taking home the gold in Norway’s belly flop contest — or at least a few red welts.

Another option is simply giving up on your Olympic dreams entirely. It’s probably the easiest and safest route, anyway. Then, just keep on lowering that bar. Maybe a reasonable goal should just be finding something good to do tonight.

That sounds pretty doable. — Cory Graves

Badu vs Jill Scott at The Prophet Bar
For this week’s edition of the long-running weekly Prophet Bar Jam Session, RC & the Gritz are shaking things up with an Erykah Badu vs Jill Scott theme, promising some special guest vocalists will be in-house sitting in with the band. It may very well just be Badu and Scott themselves. Celebrity guests are no stranger here. Either way, you’ll have a time. — CG

Lucy Dacus at Three Links
At just the tender age of 21, Dacus is quickly building a reputation for herself at Matador Records. Her passionate approach to her music is seen as well beyond her years and will be interesting to see where she goes with it. One place she’s most certainly headed is this fall’s ACL fest in Austin. — Sidney Johnson

Happy Hour With an Agenda: Public Transit at D Magazine
DART is slowly approaching completion of its Mobility 2040 plan. With these new implements and additional upcoming infrastructure projects in the works, D Magazine is organizing a small gathering that will focus on glaring issues revolving around Dallas’ public transit system. Lord knows there is much to discuss. — Calvin Cashen

Deerhoof at Trees
Pitchfork is quoted as naming Deerhoof ‘the best band in the world.” Not sure if that’s an overstatement, but they have become one of the titans in the indie-rock scene since their San Francisco beginnings.Blank Spell and Tele Novella open. — SJ

Richard Linklater: Dream is Destiny at Texas Theatre
We all know Richard Linklater as the creative force behind the immortal stoner classic Dazed and Confused and the sprawling cinematic masterpiece Boyhood. We know of the man responsible for such career establishing films, but there’s still an air of mystery to Linklater and his unconventional filmmaking techniques. Dream Is Destiny offers an in-depth, all-telling look at Linklater and his abiding contributions to film. — CC

50 Cent Beer Night at The Live Oak
Your eyes do not deceive you, that’s like buying a 30-rack (not Milwaukee) for $13. While you’re wetting your whistle, Red Shahan, Rodney Parker and Charlie Shafter will perform. It’s so cheap you should get the guys a beer, too. Pay it forward. — SJ

Mutant Wave at RBC
Dallas’ Mutant Wave DJs pick the tunes over at RBC every third Wednesday. This month, they’ve booked Vectorvision, Kitbashes and Shara Dawn to perform, and TX Connect will be there to guest DJ. — CC

Wardance at Double Wide
Time to emerge from your eternal slumber, goths. Wardance is back at the Double Wide, where moody and broody post-punk is at the forefront all night long. Seattle’s Strap On Halo, an act uncannily akin to Siouxsie Sioux, is slated to perform. — CC

Rayland Baxter at The Rustic (Free)
The singer-songwriter has a soothing, calming tone to his music that has taken him from a small town in Tennessee to as far as Israel. Not one for the sappy stuff, but this guy’s got just enough to appeal to your girlfriend while you keep your stones where they should be; in her pocket, of course. Fort Worth’s Jake Paleschic opens. — SJ

Elvis Night at El Ranchito
For going on 12 years now, it’s been a hump day tradition at this Oak Cliff eatery to host Elvis impersonators during The King’s birth and death months (January and August). As always, the restaurant’ll be serving up the best — or, at the very least, the most underrated — margaritas in town. Reservations are very much recommended. — CG

Chefs in Nature at the Dallas Arboretum
Chef Janice Provost, owner of the bistro inspired fusion restaurant Parigi, will continue the Arboretum’s popular Chefs in Nature series. After scouring the Arboretum’s lushly organic garden, the chef will comprise a menu of seasonal ingredients from local growers for attendees to enjoy. — CC

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