Ranked.

The 15 Most Interesting Panels At Dallas’ Upcoming EXXXOTICA Expo.

Welcome to Ranked, our recurring column in which we take a long, hard look at oddly specific things pertaining to Dallas and tell you the order in which you should care about them.

Next weekend, the EXXXOTICA Expo will roll through the city-owned Kay Bailey Hutchison Convention Center for three days of sex seminars, exotic performances and appearances from several dozen porn stars.

You probably already know this, if not from the billboards plastered all over town, then from the fact that pretty much everyone’s got an opinion on the matter — and one they feel demands voicing at that. One such group, and the one that’s perhaps making the biggest stink, is The Dallas Women’s Foundation, which is not happy that a convention they claim promotes sex trafficking is being held in a building named after one of their founders.

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For his part, Mayor Mike Rawlings says he’s not too happy about it either because, in his words, hosting the “largest adult event in the USA” doesn’t jive with “our city’s position on the sexual exploitation of women.” Still, far as he’s concerned, it’s unconstitutional to deny an organization with money the chance to host an event at the convention center when there’s nothing else going on. Or, well, so says the city attorney’s office.

We’d be willing to bet, though, that none of the above contingents has actually even bothered to look up the expo’s website. Because, if they did, they might’ve discovered that more than a handful of the seminars presented at next weekend’s event are actually geared towards promoting sex positivity and intelligent dialogue. And what’s wrong with that? Nothing, really.

As for us? Well, we actually did check out the EXXXOTICA Expo’s offerings before penning this piece about it, which is where we discovered loads of seminars and panels taking place over the convention’s three-day run, our favorite 15 of which we’ve opted to rank in order of intrigue.

15. Desire Time.
Sunday (2:45 p.m. to 3 p.m.)
It’s, um, a contest where the most convincing performer of (embarrassing?) acts like faking an orgasm onstage will win a stay at an all-inclusive, adult-only resort in Cancun. I’ll have what she’s having!

14. International Twerk Competition with VROD & Friends.
Saturday (6:30 p.m. to 7:15 p.m.)
It’s not like we haven’t seen amateurs publicly twerking on stage around town before. But this one comes with international bragging rights.

13. Babe Magnet 101: From Dud to Stud with Dr. D & Annie Cruz.
Saturday (6 p.m. to 6:45 p.m.)
Coming from the wrong source, this pickup artist crap is pretty cringe-worthy stuff. We’re guessing porn star Annie Cruz will have a more interesting, less creepy take on it, though.

12. The World of Webcams.
Friday (10 p.m. to 10:45 p.m.)
The Internet is changing all the time, and nobody even remembers yesterday’s memes. This seminar is here to guide you through the latest trends in the webcam industry, “providing tips and tricks to maximizing your income.” It’s a panel that pays for itself, really.

11. Breaking Into the Biz: A How-To Guide to Getting Into the Adult Industry.
Saturday (3 p.m. to 3:45 p.m.) and Sunday (3 p.m. to 3:45 p.m.)
We guess not everyone who does sex work was forced into it? Some porn stars — gasp! — actually enjoy it. Crazy, right?

10. RubberDoll — Kink/Fetish Performance.
Friday (10:45 p.m. to 11:30 p.m.), Saturday (8:45 p.m. to 9 p.m.) and Sunday (6:15 p.m. to 6:30 p.m.)
Performing a whopping three times at the convention, RubberDoll is a latex-encased fetish performer whose site says her displays “can be extremely wild if the venue allows for it.” The promo photo used by the expo involves spark-shooting power tools, though, so…

9. EXXXOTICA’s Newlywed Game.
Saturday (5:30 p.m. to 6 p.m.)
Porn star “power couples” — Mick Blue & Anikka Albrite and Stormy Daniels & Brendon Miller — will compete in a raunched-up parody of the once-popular gameshow. The only real difference, we suppose, is they’ll probably just say “fucking” instead of “making whoopee.”

8. Porn Parodies: A Study Ranging From Throbbin’ Hood to Thighs Wide Shut.
Saturday (6 p.m. to 6:45 p.m.)
Why are shitty naked versions of movies you’ve already seen still some of the highest-selling porn titles? The Rocki Whore Picture Show star James Bartholet discusses!

7. Strike Play 101 with Mistress Isabella Sinclaire.
Sunday (3:45 p.m. to 4:30 p.m.)
More informative than The Dallas Women’s Foundation’s copies of 50 Shades of Grey — and, we’re assuming, a whole lot more intelligently worded, too. Because, if you’re going to flog your partner, you might as well do it responsibly.

6. Everything You Want To Know About Adult Q&A.
Friday (6:30 p.m. to 7:15 p.m.) and Sunday (3 p.m. to 3:45 p.m.)
There’s apparently some stuff about porn that even its most avid consumers still don’t know. What could that possibly be? Only one way to find out.

5. Star Fuckers: Anikka Albrite vs Mick Blue (Couples Edition).
Friday (8:45 p.m. to 9:15 p.m.)
These married porn stars will critique their past onscreen performances from scenes with one another and from ones with other partners. To think, some folks get mad when their beaus even text someone of the opposite sex.

4. Sex Positivity: Spreading the Good Word.
Sunday (5:15 p.m. to 6 p.m.)
Local sex writer Jenny Block’s going to drop some truth-bombs about the media’s “anti-sex, anti-women, and anti-LGBTQ communities’ rights” portrayal. Y’know, just the kind of thing everyone should be scared about. Right?

3. Who Wants to do Porn? With Evan Stone.
Friday (8 p.m. to 8:15 p.m.)
The most famous male porn star raised in Dallas and the self-proclaimed “veteran of over a billion adult flicks” is giving a step-by-step, behind-the-scenes look at how porn gets made. Honestly, though, what we’re mostly interested in hearing about are the special effects this 5’11” actor used to pull off the Tyrion Lannister role in the Game of Thrones porn parody.

2. The World According to Ron Jeremy.
Friday (10 p.m. to 10:45 p.m.)
I mean, it’s Ron Jeremy.

1. Trainwreck: How Hollywood Portrays Sex.
Sunday (5:15 p.m. to 6 p.m.)
Somehow not too grossed out by the act of sex, Dr. Chauntelle Tibbals will use her sociology PhD to deliver a lecture diving into Hollywood’s shitty sex agenda, which she describes as “one that reveres the ‘normal’ and punishes those on the margins.” Her research cites specific examples from 50 Shades of Grey and Trainwreck, the latter of which isn’t completely blame-free in her eyes. How wonderfully titillating!