Food Fic.

Dallas Tries To Get A Reservation At Lucia.

What you're reading here isn't real, you big dumb-dumb. It's fan fiction — or, more specifically, Dallas food-oriented fan fiction, hence the name “Food Fic.” Now, this doesn't mean what you're seeing here couldn't happen — the idea is that these things very much could, actually — but that we just have no proof that they actually did. Anyway, it's all meant in good fun, so take it as such. Stop being a tight-ass all the time.

At midnight on January 14, Lucia, the Italian restaurant in Oak Cliff that stands as one of the most difficult reservations in town to secure, receives a phone call. It goes straight to voicemail.

Lucia (The Voice of Reason is speaking, sounding like Calmness and Confidence had a voice baby): “Hello! You've reached Lucia. We can't come to the Lucia phone right now, but please leave a Lucia message at the Lucia beep and we'll get back to you as soon as Lucia possible. If you're hoping to get a reservation for this century, please leave your name, phone number, the last four digits of your Social Security number, your mother's maiden name, your mother's stripper name, the number of people in your group, an Amazon gift card in an amount that seems appropriate to you and several nights that you would be available to come eat the glorious food that is about to pasta-hump your mouth hole. If our Gnocchi Unicorn should happen to choose your reservation name from our house-made salumi bag, and you are #blessed enough to get a reservation here, be sure that your complete party shows up on time. If you are even three seconds late, we will be forced to announce on Facebook that your table has opened up, and we will feed your reservation to the Internet wolves. Thank you for calling Lucia, and have as good of a day as one can have when one is not currently eating Lucia for dinner.”

BEEEEEEEEP.

Caller (The voice of Entitlement is speaking, every spoken sentence ends high, like a question mark, even though only declarative sentences are being spoken, and it sounds like Self-Doubt and a BMW boned each other to completion and then this spewed out): “Heeeeey Lucia, it's Dallas? I was calling to make a reservation for a party of 12 for February 14? I know I'm supposed to call on the first of the month to make reservations, but I forgot, so I'm calling on January 14, at midnight?

I tried to get a reservation by friending David Uvula on Facebook and sending him a private message with my reservation in it, and he told me to just call this number like everyone else. I'm really good friends with him, though. I took a selfie with him at Bastille On Bishop during the mussels competition one year and it got a literal ton of likes.

Before I come in on Valentine's Day for the reservation — I know you'll let me have it because you have NO IDEA how much I REALLY WANT to come to your restaurant and it would make my significant others SOOOO happy if you would let me, and I would owe you BIGTIME — I'd like you to answer a few questions:

Could you make sure Chef Dave comes out to say hello to my table? It'll be worth it for you, trust me. I know a lot of people in this town, and I'll just be upfront about this: I'm a super important blogger who blogs things and I have thousands of Instagram followers. A good review from me could help your restaurant finally gain the loyal following it needs.

Also, will my Groupon work on Valentine's Day and will it be worth double since it's a Groupon for Macaroni Grill?

When does Shrimpfest end? I don't want to miss that.

Ooh ,and I definitely want to do the never-ending breadsticks and salad I've heard so much about. Is there a box I need to check ahead of time so that it's ready for us when we get there, or is this enough of a heads-up?

What is the address of your Plano location?

Unrelated: If you book reservations so quickly, and your restaurant is always so full, why don't you expand so you can hemorrhage more money on air conditioning and staffing?

When will Build-Your-Own Pasta be coming back? I didn't see it on your online menu and I'm wondering if it's still available as a secret, off-menu choice. And if it is, I'd like the Chicken Scampi.

Oh, and why can't I find you on OpenTable?

I think the reason you only have 588 Twitter followers is that you only follow like 20 people. And one of those people is Rob Shearer, who is a total turn-off.

Speaking of awful things, you're a restaurant, so you obviously help people shame their tablemates when it's their birthday, right? What song do the waiters sing for birthdays? Is it the “Happy Happy Birthday” one from Bennigan's, or just standard “Happy Birthday,” but you make people stand on a chair and shake salt and pepper shakers in the air the whole time, or are there opera singers, or does Justin Holt lie down across a piano and sing “Makin' Whoopie” Michelle Pfeiffer-from-The Fabulous Baker Boys-style while he feeds the birthday person one foie gras-stuffed prune at a time?

Speaking of sexy meals, can you believe the original Black-eyed Pea closed? You think it's the same reason Crystal's Pizza & Pasta closed? I loved Crystal's Pizza. I hadn't been to either place in decades, but when they announced that they were closing, I posted about my deep sadness on every social media outlet I'm a current participant in, which is like 20 places. And I shared all the blog posts I could find that discussed the closings. Which is basically the exact same as frequenting the restaurants. It's sad when things close. But it's not as sad if you find out that a Hopdoddy is opening in the same space within a couple days. Hopdoddy is like the puppy you buy the day after your dog dies. You're still super sad your dog died because he was like your best friend for 14 years, but PUPPY!! Dang, I'm craving a burger now. Sub-question: Why has your burger been overlooked on every listicle in Dallas since the day you opened? That's bullshit.

Also, can you tell me when the Tajarin with brodo Parmigiano and grated black truffle is going to be available on Uber Eats?

Anyway, this is Dallas. Please let me come in and eat your food, post online that your place is overhyped, and then walk out on half of my bill. Thanks!”

BEEEEEEEEEEP.