D-Rated.

How 'Bout Them Cowboys?

Welcome to D-Rated, our weekly feature that tries to determine if things are looking up or down for Dallasites by arbitrarily assigning point values to current events.

The Boys Are Back: The Cowboys won their first game! They're on pace for an undefeated season! Plus 1.

The Heart of the Matter: As if there was any doubt, health officials are now saying that DFW is at the heart of the West Nile outbreak. Talk about news that bites. Minus 3.

Where There's Smoke: Burglars broke into Smoker's Choice this week and took off with $1,000 in cigarettes. So, like, three packs? Minus 1.

Bean Stalk: The California-based coffee chain Coffee Bean announced this week plans to expand to Dallas, which is, like, totally amazing news because, like, sometimes we want coffee and we can't get coffee and all we want is coffee and we can't find a Starbucks and we need caffeine and it's, like, we wish we knew where we could get some because our mothers tell us that Red Bull is bad for us and every now and then there are those studies that come out that say coffee is good for you, but you never see studies that say Red Bull is good for you and I guess what I'm saying is that I'll have a large coffee to go, please and thank you. Plus 4.

Come Together: The Dallas Morning News wants either the Republican National Convention or the Democratic National Convention to take place in Dallas in 2016, which sounds awesome except I watched a panel of CNN experts this week talk about how the conventions are a waste of time and money and that they should be obsolete. Wait. That's perfect for Dallas! Plus 2.

Strip Maul: A Dallas stripper is suing Baby Dolls for shorting her wages and not properly compensating her overtime pay. So I guess she wasn't just lying to us when she said she worked for tips. Minus 1.

Move, Bitch: Dallas is still a top five moving destination, according to the weekly studies that come out revealing this sort of information. Plus 5.

Urine Trouble: A school bus driver is suing Dallas County after he was fired for peeing himself on a bus. In his defense, there were no kids on the bus and he was on diuretics at the time and, also, that shit is hilarious. Minus 1.

Hit Maker: A strip club owner has pleaded guilty to trying to put a hit out on the mayor of Arlington. The mayor also doesn't work for tips, turns out. Minus 2.

Ride, Sally, Ride: Dallas has a bike lane now! Actually, it's in Oak Cliff. Still! Plus 1.

Dunk Tank: Dunkin' Donuts announced plans this week to open more stores in Dallas. Best news ever? Plus 13.

Last week's running total: Minus 17.74.
This week's count: Plus 18.
This week's running total: Plus 0.26.

Photo via WikiCommons.