Can You Mail It?

Herb’s The Word.

The late Mitch Hedberg had an oft-quoted one liner that he loved his mailman because “he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it.” But what if he did know it — or at least suspect it?

Obviously, putting actual drugs in the mail is highly illegal. But what about something that just kind of vaguely resembles drugs?

This week, we went back to our old clear-plastic-baggie-as-an-envelope test to see how stringent the USPS’s drugs-in-the-mail policy is.

Of course, we didn’t want to actually risk the consequences of really sending marijuana through the postal system — or, more accurately, we didn’t want to risk depleting our stash in the case it turned out it didn’t come back to us — so we just poured some oregano into a plastic baggie thinking that, at first glance, it sort of roughly resembled a bag of pot.

We rubber-banded the baggie for no other reason than to add a bit of extra suspicious vibe to the package. And because we were sure this is how all fake drug dealers would make their packages look.

Judging from how quickly the bag of herb came back to us, our mailwoman wasn’t fooled for a second.

Maybe she uses oregano frequently in her cooking and was familiar with the strong odor emitting from the baggie?

We prefer to think she’s just a closet stoner who can spot the real stuff a mile away.

Item: A baggie of oregano.
Estimated Value: Less than a dollar.
Cost of Postage: $0.90
Method: We poured some loose oregano into a store-brand plastic baggie, then wrapped that baggie with a rubber band and placed it into a second baggie.
Days to Deliver: 4 days.
Condition Upon Arrival: So perfect it doesn’t even appeared to have been mailed. The stamps weren’t even postmarked. Does that mean we can re-use them?
Running “Can You Mail It?” Success Rate: 83.33 percent.