Cory Graves
Five More Player-Named Foods The Rangers Should Consider Adding This Season.
When front office man Nolan Ryan and outfielder David Murphy parted ways with the Texas Rangers this offseason, the team took just as a big a hit off the field as it did on.
With their departures, the team discontinued sales of Ryan's snow monkey meat hot dogs and the two-foot-long, Murphy-inspired Murph-a-dilla quesadilla, which, you might recall, came served on a bed of Doritos.
With so much turnover this past offseason, the team's been scrambling in recent weeks to come up with items to join third baseman Adrian Beltre's $26 Beltreburger, which features over a pound of beef and another half pound of bacon on a hubcap-sized bun, and the $26 smothered, two-foot-long hot called Boomstick, which remains even in the wake of the departure of its namesake, Nelson Cruz.
To that end, the Rangers welcomed this morning the Choomongus (read: a not-even-slightly-racist two-foot-long, Asian spiced all-beef hot dog topped with spicy slaw and Sriracha that'll also set you back $26) in honor of the offseason acquisition of leadoff-hitting outfielder Shin-Soo Choo.
In the coming weeks, we expect a handful of similar announcements named in honor of the roster's biggest names this season. And while we have zero inside knowledge of the situation, we fancy ourselves just insane enough to guess a few such offerings you'll likely see rolled out in the coming weeks.
Here they are.
• Fielder's Fifth-Inning Nachos. This one's a no-brainer. This item — which shares its name with noted nacho fiend Prince Fielder — simultaneously symbolizes the revamping of the team's lineup and the retooling of a dish the team once helped to globally popularize so long ago. Like the plus-sized slugger, these babies are going to be vegetarian-friendly this year.
• Dinged Wings. With Matt Harrison's return to the rotation this year, the team is likely to name its new collection of fried chicken in wings in the pitcher's honor. They'll come in a variety of spasm-inducing flavors like Bring the Heat, Devil's Curve and Meatball. Unlike hot wings available elsewhere, though, these bones are extra brittle and can simply be chewed right up along with the meat.
• Derek Holland-aise Sauce. In honor of No. 45, this 45-pound vat of golden delicious Hollandaise sauce is baked in oversized Dutch ovens specially created for the team. One spoonful of the delicious, fatty liquid and you'll quickly stop wondering things like where the rest of your Eggs Benedict are. In short, it's a dish that starts off hot, but that'll ultimately wind up disappointing. More importantly, says the lefty, his eponymous dish is safer to carry down the stadium's steps on the way to your seat than, say, the two-foot long dogs sold nearby.
• Yu Darvish's Nasty Sliders. Despite their somewhat off-putting name, you'll find these trays off mini Japanese-Iranian fusion-inspired burgers quite delicious. OK, so deep-fried octopus patties, fermented soy beans, pickled veggies and rice kebabs might not sound appetizing, but you'll ultimately find them tantalizingly close to perfection.
• Nefty's Spicy Round Rock Candy. They've actually been working on this one for a last couple of seasons and were hoping to have the final formulation ready for Opening Day. Alas, this one probably won't be available until later on in the season. While the team's food scientists say they've finally found a way to control their candy's heat, it has invariably lost something in the process. Here's hoping they get this one figured out sooner than later.
