Chelsea
Who Needs Sleep? Not Me!
Dear Narcissist,
I recently grew a beard. Now, whenever I go out, people say things like, “Hey, nice beard!” It's nice to hear, don't get me wrong. But I'm a little concerned. Is my beard really universally appreciated? Or are people just being polite and bringing up an obvious talking point, like when it's raining out and people say, “How about this rain, huh?”
— Lumberjacking on Lower Greenville
I get what you're saying, but think about it this way: That would be a really weird talking point!
It would be like if I went up to a bald person and said, “Hey! I like your lack of hair follicles!”
Actually, nevermind. I've done that before.
A lot of people like beards, though. It seems like everyone needs to have a beard at least once in their life. It's one of those things you have to do — like default on your credit card or start a turf war with a rival gang.
Unfortunately, I've never had a beard. But I once did have a mustache made out of a piece of felt and some crazy glue. It was awesome! It only stayed on for a few hours. But, whatever, I felt super fancy nonetheless.
I like to feel fancy. That's why sometimes I eat Fancy Feast even though I'm not really a cat. I might have been a cat in a past life, though. I do a lot of things that cats do, like land on all fours and play with mice.
Dear Narcissist,
My friend recently took to his Facebook page to brag about how a bartender gave him a free beer because they're both “gingers.” Is this a real thing? Do gingers really hook one another up whenever they can? I need to know.
— Curious in Casa Linda
As a fellow ginger, I can attest that this is true. There is a secret “ginger club,” which is actually just in my treehouse. Well, it's not technically a treehouse, because I don't own any trees. It's a cardboard box fort, really. I painted warning signs on it that say “NO BLONDES ALLOWED,” and my fellow gingers and I throw paper airplanes at brunettes that pass by. It's really fun!
Hair color is such a weird dividing concept. Redheads are supposed to be feisty, which totally explains why I spend so much time doing feisty things like eating yogurt with a fork. (I don't own any spoons, because if someone attacks me one day, they could use the spoons to scoop out my eyeballs and then implant them into a creepy doll. I'm very frightened of this happening.)
Speaking of yogurt, do you ever dance while you eat yogurt? Y'know, like those sassy ladies do in the commercials? I started doing that but I guess it hasn't really caught on yet. Also, it's really hard to do “the washing machine” while holding yogurt and a fork.
Dear Narcissist,
I love sleeping (who doesn't?), but sometimes I have a little bit of trouble actually falling asleep. Do you have any recommendations on what I can do? (Please don't suggest counting sheep. Or counting anything else for that matter.)
-Sleepless in the Cedars
Maybe I'm weird, but I actually don't like to sleep all that much. I prefer to stay up until 3 or 4 in the morning, re-watching The Crying Game because that's my favorite movie. I cry when I watch it. I also play solitaire while I watch it. So technically I'm watching The Crying Game while playing a game and while crying. It's so meta.
I wish it was more socially acceptable to cry. Crying is, like, my favorite hobby right now. Whenever people say my name, I just burst into tears and tell them about how my pet mouse named Star died when I was 11 and how it was really traumatic for me. Mice don't live that long, turns out. Neither do lightning bugs when you put them in a jar. They suffocate or something.
Have you ever caught lightning bugs? Turns out, they only light up when they're mating. So if you catch lightning bugs, you are actually a horrible person, because you're interrupting their sexy time with your slow jar of death. Think about it.
Anyway, if you want to sleep, I suggest smoking weed.
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