Chelsea
Stay Away From Me, Single White Female!
Dear Narcissist,
I have a crush on a woman who works in a food truck. She is super nice and has beautiful eyes and I'm sure beautiful hands under the kitchen gloves. I'm afraid that if she rejects me, her grilled cheese suddenly won't taste as great. So, how do I know if she feels the same way — especially since it's her job to be nice to customers like me?
— Hungry in Haltom City
That is tricky, since, as you acknowledge, people who work in the service industry are forced to pretend that they don't hate your guts, and that they're not wishing you a slow, painful death by flesh-eating slugs.
Do you like slugs? They're pretty gross. They're the opposite of grilled cheese, which is delicious. Not that I've eaten slugs (in this decade, anyway). I'd imagine if you ate a bunch of slugs, your insides would turn gooey and you'd eventually become a slug.
Slugs are hermaphrodites, you know. I don't have anything to say about that, I just wanted you to know.
As for your grilled cheese lady friend, you should approach her in a non-creepy way. Maybe talk to her a bit and find out what her interests are, so that, maybe, sometime in the future, you can show up at a concert she's at or something.
You definitely shouldn't ask her out while she's working, though. Asking people out while they're at work is uncomfortable for everyone involved.
As for the grilled cheese: It will always taste good. Just think: You could be eating a slug! Or the slug could be eating you!
Dear Narcissist,
I recently lost the use of my car, so now I'm getting everywhere by bike or on foot. I'm worried this will hurt my standing with the ladies. What are some ways for me to work around this? Should I lie and tell people that I don't have a car anymore because I don't believe in fossil fuels and the capitalist car culture of waste? Would that help? I worry I might sound like an asshole.
— Wayward in West End
How can this hurt your standing with the ladies? You're literally standing now, instead of sitting inside of a car!
See?
Problem solved!
Here's a question: Do you have nice legs?
Perhaps you should wear something skimpy to show them off. Then flaunt them as you seductively ask a lady for a ride. It's foolproof!
I think you might be on to something with the your “capitalist car culture of waste” bit, though.
That, my friend, is why I've donated my collection of Matchbox cars to charity. Well, almost all of them. I kept the red ones and the ones with cool stripes, which, OK, makes up about 70 percent of my Matchbox car collection. But you can't expect me to get rid of those. I like to make them race each other while pretending I'm the driver for each car. The fun part is that I always win.
But I also have a real car in real life. It's a yellow Hyundai, and it has four wheels and a CD player.
When I drive, I like to motion for to people to roll their widows down in their car, and, when they do, I violently sneeze on them.
It's a fun game.
Hey There!
I'm worried about my roommate. She's been smoking for a really long time and doesn't seem to be very worried about it. She wakes me up in the mornings with this horrifying cough. I think she might have, like, emphysema or whatever it is they warn you about in commercials. How do I get her to quit smoking and take care of herself? She's never going to get married if she sounds as terrible as she does. No guy is going to want to spend his magical forever with someone hacking up a lung all the time.
— Concerned in Carrollton
Oh my. What is a “magical forever?” I'm part horrified and part intrigued.
Your roommate does seem like she has problems, though, if she really is hacking up a lung.
But, to be honest, I'm more worried about you. I mean, you're concerned about your roommate's marriageability? Have you seen the movie Single White Female? I think you might be the crazy, puppy-killing, boyfriend-fucking roommate.
I'm not sure if you want her to get married really badly or if you want her to stop smoking really badly. Maybe you should marry her and hide her cigarettes? Or maybe you should adopt an annoying habit that makes her stop wanting to smoke — like telling her every time she smokes that she won't get married.
Why do you like marriage so much, by the way? Are you Liza Minnelli? Are you Maggie Smith in Downton Abbey? Are you a sea horse?
Actually, the best way to get her to stop smoking is for you to start. You're already probably stalking her so it's the natural next step.
I had a stalker once. It was on Halloween and this person kept following me everywhere I went! I was super scared.
Luckily, it was just my mom, making sure my trick-or-treating went OK.
Oh, to be 20 again!
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