Chelsea
No, I Won't Tell You Where I Got My Banana Costume.
Dear Self-Absorbed Soul Sister,
My boyfriend recently lost his job. It wasn't a performance issue or anything; the company was just cutting back. He has a little money saved up, so I'm not completely worried about his immediate survival. While he's been looking, though, he's resorted to eating almost nothing but spoonfuls of peanut butter. He says it is full of protein, it is cheap, and it fills him up. Even though I feel like I'm watching him starve himself just so he can afford to take me out every once in a while, he won't really let me help him out. I want to buy him dinners every now and then when I can afford it, but he doesn't really like to take handouts and says it makes him feel emasculated. How can I keep my boyfriend alive long enough to find another job?
— Concerned in Casa Linda
He feels emasculated? Well, that's worse than being dead! Surely, your boyfriend's lifeless, starved corpse will be super-masculine, and on his headstone he can inscribe “At least I'm still a man. A dead man. I'm very dumb.”
Maybe you should try to trick him into eating. Tell him that the sandwich you bought him is a tribute given to him by the gods of masculinity. If he doesn't eat it, he will have displeased the gods, and, as penance, he must do 40 push ups. Like a man.
Maybe you should try to find him a job. Maybe he could be a makeup artist or a hairdresser. Y'know, masculine stuff.
My friend used to be a hairdresser but she had to quit when they found out she kept all the hair for her at-home potions. Turns out, potions require a lot of human hair!
That's why she was always searching my shower drain.
Dear Narcissist,
I recently went to a meeting of local professional group. There was a speaker, but the event was mostly about “mingling” and “networking,” which are two of my least favorite things ever. I am maybe the worst networker ever. I hate talking about myself and things I do. I think that I overcompensate for being really nervous by trying too hard. How do I make myself a better networker? Thanks!
— Awkward in Arlington
Oh, I'm with you there. I don't like to mingle.
I like to go to events and be the center of attention, preferably because I just performed an a cappella rendition of “Come On Eileen.”
Try making business cards when you go networking. Instead of regular business cards, though, put a picture of a famous celebrity on them. Maybe Gary Busey. When they look at the business card later, they will mistake you for Gary Busey and instantly want to be your friend.
It's foolproof!
Another good way to network is to scream at people. If you're screaming at them loud enough, people have to talk to you. They'll say things like “Stop screaming!” and “Where did you get that banana costume?”
Those are real conversation starters.
Hey Narcissist,
I'm worried that I'm an unfeeling robot who can never love and I will spend the rest of my life in meaningless flings with people I don't care very much about. Or is it just that I am not meeting really awesome people? All the guys in my neighborhood where I live and spend my time tend to be pretty boring.
— Drifting in Deep Ellum
Mitt Romney, is that you?
I know for a fact that robots can love, but only if they get that emotion chip that Data got in the Star Trek: Generations movie. Have you considered getting an emotion chip? It will make you the life of the party!
One time, I owned a robot. It was one of those automatic vacuums that sucks up all of the pennies I leave on the floor. I tried to teach it to love, but it ran off with my toaster. So now I don't have toast and my floor is full of pennies.
I've also seen the movie iRobot, which is about Will Smith falling in love with robots. At least that's what I think it's about. Actually, maybe I've only seen the trailer.
Regardless: Try to hook up with Will Smith. Get jiggy with it. That is my priceless advice.
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