Alec SpicerSince When Is Selling Botox Injections And Mattresses Reflective Of The Texas Experience? Seriously, The Vendors At This Thing Are Downright Bizarre.
Unlike seemingly every other media outlet in Dallas and, to a degree, the whole goddamn state, we here at Central Track aren’t exactly enamored with the State Fair of Texas. Why? Because, for starters, we’re not kids any more, and we’re no longer oblivious to the ways of the world. But also for a litany of other reasons, which we’ll happily run down for you here, one per day, over the entire course of the fair’s 2019 run, adding to the list we ran throughout the fair’s 2017 run.
Botox!
Mattresses!
A jello shot with jalapeños in it!
All of these things just scream the State Fair of Texas, right?
No? Weird you wouldn’t think so.
Because, for some reason, you can buy a mattress from Mattress Firm — at your pick seven different fairground locations throughout the fair’s 24-day run. This way, perhaps, you can still sleep well at night even after you’ve realized that the games that are specifically designed for you to lose money at on at the Midway were a total waste of your tickets.
Not in the market for a mattress? Well, if you want to get rid of your double chin — which, no, really, that’s a special procedure offered at the fair in 2019, and that’s in their words, not ours — you can get a vial of deoxycholic acid for the modest price of $600. After spending an average of $5 to $6 per ride and $5 on a mini Frito pie (and that’s just the “Thrifty Thursdays” price), what’s another couple of Benjamins, eh?
Listen, no judgment against anyone who wants to buy botox or a mattress. That’s not the point here.
Rather, our point is that the fair’s ridiculously-overdone guise of being what Texas is all about is simply not reflected in so many of its ridiculous offerings.
Well, unless “overpaying for things like a jello shot made with champagne and jalapeños” being the epitome of Texas is a hill you’re willing to die on — in which case, well, we suppose that’s your prerogative.
Likewise, it’s our prerogative to simply pointing out how ridiculous that position would be to take.
Wanna drop some tickets on Fletcher’s Corny Dogs? Fine, OK, go for it.
But, just so we’re clear, there’s nothing inherently Texan about the infamously alleged pyramid scheme that is the California-based multi-level marketing clothing company LuLaRoe having a booth at the fair.
Unless you believe there is, in which case, we encourage you to message all of your old high school friends that you haven’t talked to in years and, out of the blue, try to sell them on that notion. Because, us? We’re not buying it.
More Reasons Why The State Fair Of Texas Sucks:
- Its history is super racist!
- It’s a major drain on Dallas police!
- It’s bad for your health!
- It’s so damn expensive!
- It’s not the economic driver it says it is!
- It’s a super shitty neighbor!
- It’s an altar to false idols!
- It makes Fair Park useless!
- It wastes city funds on out-of-towners!
- It exploits cute animals!
- Its executives take home too much money!
- Everything on the midway is a ripoff.
- It has willfully ignored its obligations and allowed Fair Park to fall into disrepair!
- It refuses to be transparent about the way it spends public funds.
- It can’t handle Fair Park’s long-term needs.
- Its lauded scholarship program is a joke compared to those of other, similar events.
- It uses fear tactics in its negotiations with the city.
- It goes out of its way to shield its crowds from the poor black neighborhood that surrounds Fair Park.
- Its low-level employees get burned by its executives’ bad business decisions.
- Its ticket-based economy is designed to squeeze even more cash out of attendees.
- It cares way too much about parking lots that go unused most of the year.
- It’s petty as fuck.
- It celebrates humanity’s fucked up relationship with livestock.
- It refuses to change.
- It can be easily debated.
- Its concert bookings could be heated up a few degrees.
- It’s tearing the Fletcher family apart!
- It’s spent a least $1 million to keep its books out of the public eye. What’s it hiding?
- It fired a beloved employee, claiming his request to attend a charity event was a contract violation.
- It has become a literal joke.