D-Rated.

A Monkey, A Pegasus and Woody Harrelson Walked Into Our Town This Week.

Welcome to D-Rated, in which we try to determine if the quality of life in Dallas and its surrounding areas is moving up or down by arbitrarily awarding and subtracting point values to our living situation based on current events.

Poison Paw: Well, we have a new candidate for mother of the year. 31-year-old Paw Eh was arrested Saturday, charged with attempted capital murder for trying to kill her four-year-old son. She forced him to ingest ant poison, according to an affidavit. Luckily, her two older kids ran to their grandmother’s apartment and a neighbor called 911. Eh, a Burmese immigrant, is being held on $500,000 bail. The son is now in stable condition, but that’s obviously not the case for Eh. Minus 80.

Forest for the Trees: In a story already covered insanely well by my old buddy Matt Goodman over at D Magazine, Forest Park Medical Center's Dallas location shut down Friday, skipping over some employees' paychecks, which ranks as one of the shittiest things a company can do. The high-end, doctor-owned hospital has issues with creditors, and one of the co-founders was indicted for health care fraud in 2009 and 2010. It's shady business done at the expense of the employees, although I'm sure the owners are doing just fine. Minus 10.

Monkey Business: Dez Bryant may have made his grand return to the Cowboys in the team's loss to the Seattle Seahawks on Sunday, but he almost lost his monkey too. See, Bryant (allegedly) owns a Capuchin monkey named Dallas, which he's posed with on Instagram. Dallas is a cute little fella, but the party poopers over at PETA want him seized, even though there's no evidence to suggest that the monkey is being mistreated. They complained to the City of DeSoto, which has taken no action to retrieve Dallas, since there’s not even any evidence to suggest he lives with Bryant in DeSoto in the first place. So give it a rest, PETA. The City of DeSoto’s got plenty else to do. Plus 88, because, awwww, look at that face.

Wingin' It: As noted earlier this year, Dallas was slated to possibly get a WNBA franchise. Now, it's official: The Tulsa Shock (formerly the Detroit Shock) will relocate to Arlington and begin play next season. They'll be playing as the Wings, which is a pretty generic name, although I'm not sure what the plural of Pegasus would be (Pegasuses? Pegasi?), so I guess Wings will do for now. The WNBA is fond of collective nouns (Fever, Dream, Storm), so there might be time to change it again. Plus 4.

Dealey With It: It seems like only yesterday that residents were getting pissed off at James Franco shutting down Dealey Plaza to film a project about JFK. This week, it was Woody Harrelson's turn to feel the wrath. He was in town with director Rob Reiner, who had one of the greatest runs of any director ever before having one of the worst, to shoot a new movie with Harrelson (the good season of True Detective) as LBJ. Again, it's nice for a movie set in Dallas to actually film here. (I imagine it would be hard for any city or studio set to stand in for Dealey Plaza, though.) With so many high-profile projects taking up residency, hopefully it will encourage more studios to do the same. Plus 6.

Big Empty: Low voter turnout has long been a problem in Texas, but it reached an almost comical nadir on Tuesday night when a provision to create a utility district in Denton and Wise Counties paid for with bonds drew zero actual votes. The trouble is that no one within that district of Denton County was registered to vote. What's more surprising is it's not that hard to get a multi-million-dollar initiative on the ballot, and it's happened in Denton County before. Minus 3.

You Down with PCP?: One of the great resources on the Internet is Florida Man, the sub-Reddit full of hilariously specific crimes committed by residents of America's Wang. Sometimes these shenanigans can be found in other parts of the country, and one happened Monday in our own backyard. At City Inn & Suites, across from the Dallas Zoo, Veronica Renee Jackson allegedly fired a gun into the next room, then began roaming around outside, topless, shouting things like “Fuck the Illuminati!” Jackson appeared to be on PCP at the time, which would make sense given the bizarre behavior. The mumbling about the Illuminati would be par for the course, but the gunfire made it dangerous. Minus 1.

This Week’s Total: Plus 4.
Last Week’s Running Total: Minus 11.
This Week’s Running Total: Minus 7.