Crush of the Week.

Way To Do The Right Thing For Once, Walmart.

Dear Alice Walton and Walmart,

We don't normally have a lot of nice things to say about you. I mean, c'mon, you do a lot of incomprehensibly shitty things.

You've played saboteur when workers have attempted to organize. You've treated pregnant women like garbage. You've found ways to skirt paying taxes and give your executives outrageous amounts of money, all the while paying your hardworking employees wages so low that they have to use food stamps, meaning that America is basically subsidizing your workers to a tune of 6.2 billion dollars in public assistance. And your driving record, Ms. Walton? Well, with great power comes the responsibility to use it to get out of real legal trouble.

You and the Walmart Empire have basically perfected the Art of Being Trash. But, hey, if you're going to do something, you might as well be the best at it! Just so long as you do some good every now and then, y'know?

And, from the looks of it, you may actually be turning over a new leaf in that regard! Well, maybe. On Wednesday, you announced that you will discontinue the sale of assault rifles in your stores. Wednesday was also the day in which two reporters (Alison Parker and Adam Ward) in Virginia were murdered by a former co-worker.

We're well aware that this is just a coincidence. And while you also say that this move is just a business move rather than a political move motivated by a desire to curtail the availability of weapons specifically designed to murder people who are at war with one another, hey, we'll take this victory all the same.

Because, thing is, civilians don't need to own military-grade weapons any more than they need to own a fucking rocket. Seriously: Why have people been able to buy sniper rifles at Walmart up to this point? We digress. At least grabbing a military-grade rifle, some eggs and a pack of Twizzlers will no longer be an option at Walmart starting a few weeks ago. And that's definitely a good thing.

Because statistics tell us that a vast number of mass shooters opt for assault rifles when they carry out their acts of evil. And history tells us that if you take away dangerous weapons, there's at least a chance that violence will plummet.

The fact that Walmart, which hasn't sold handguns at the vast majority of its stores for some time now, is now just focusing on rifles used to hunt animals rather than people? That's a pivot that we can co-sign. And, given that Walmart is the largest retailer in the United States, we think it's pretty huge, too.

Now, just fix the host of other bullshit that you dabble in — y'know, like paying your workers a living wage so the rest of us don't have to foot the bill.

C'mon, you're on a roll. Let's keep this train going!

Live better,
H. Drew Blackburn and the rest of the Central Track staff