Asshat of the Week.

Keep The Change, You Self-Righteous Do-Gooder.

Dear Self-Righteous Anonymous Meter Fairy,

How are things? Whoever you are, we hope this letter finds you well. Much better, at least, than the one you anonymously left on our car this past weekend in Deep Ellum after we paid our parking meter using PayByPhone's awesome, not-really-that-new app and slipped into a nearby bar.

You know what I'm talking about, right? The note you triumphantly placed under our windshield wiper before giving yourself a pat on the back and affirming what an awesome human being you are.

Still don't remember? OK, here's what the note read:

While we genuinely do appreciate what you were trying to do here — and, let's face it, we would have hated finding a green parking ticket envelope under our windshield even more than your obnoxious note — we can't help but think this has to be one of the more poorly-executed good deeds we've experienced in a good while.

First off: Get with the times, my friend! You seem pretty up on things. That much we can gather from your appropriate use of hashtags. So it's a bit baffling you haven't noticed the two stickers on every meter in town that show how you can now pay these parking fees using a smartphone app.

Also, you felt the need to leave a note in the first place! To quote Greek philosopher Epictetus here: “Know you not that a good man does nothing for appearance sake, but for the sake of having done right?”

We're guessing you've never heard that one, since we get the feeling that, just before leaving the scene, you probably took selfie in front of our car to let all of your Instagram followers know about the kickass good deed you just did. #suchagoodperson

While we're at it: What's up with the Bible verse? Forgive us for not being as up on our knowledge of scripture as we probably should be, but we get the feeling that Jesus wouldn't have also cursed at us while in the middle of doing us a solid. Still, we actually looked up the verse. It reads: “And hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.”

Huh? Are you really trying to shame us with a Bible verse about how one's hope in God's love wouldn't put us to shame? We don't get it.

Maybe go with Matthew 22:21 next time instead? Y'know, the one about rendering unto Caesar what is Caesar's? At least that bit of tongue-in-cheek humor would have made us feel a little camaraderie with our anonymous rescuer.

Instead, all your note did was make you look like a sanctimonious ass.

Point is: Rather than serve as a signal that there is, indeed, still some shred of good left this world, all you managed to do in our minds was prove the old adage that no good deed goes unpunished.

For that, we're forever ungrateful.

Incredulously yours,
Cory Graves and the rest of the Central Track staff