Asshat of the Week.

You're a Bad Dog, Wrigley. Look What You Did To Derek Holland.

Dear Wrigley,

How's it going? Decent? Hope so.

We also hope that you're feeling at least a little remorseful over what your owner, Rangers starting pitcher Derek Holland, says you did to him last week.

According to him — a guy nicknamed The Dutch Oven — you tripped him on his way down the stairs. He then banged his knee and injured himself pretty badly. In fact, he had to have microfracture surgery — the same surgery that derailed Penny Hardaway’s career, didn't he?

Anyway, Wrigley: Your sad puppy-dog face isn't going to work on us. No, we've got a few grievances with you that we need to air.

First off: What's up with your name? Do you think it's cute that you’re named after a classic baseball park? We certainly don't. We think it’s a frivolous choice, something we've come to expect from your owner.

What's wrong with being named Rangers BallPark in Arlington, huh? You think you're better than us with your highfalutin Chicago name, don't you?

Also: Why were you even running up the stairs to meet your human anyway? It's not like you didn't know that he had played rec league hockey the night before — which totally had nothing to do with the injury at all — or anything like that. I mean, what kind of dog are you? No, I know you're a boxer. But you can't just wait patiently for your owner to get to the bottom of the stairs before wanting to play? We've never known another canine who would act so rashly.

Look, Wrigley, we get it. We know you tried to sabotage Holland's season so you could have more quality time with him between April and October. We empathize.

In fact, we sorta appreciate what you did, in a sense. This injury, theoretically, could mean that your buddy will have a fresh arm for the stretch run.

If something goes wrong, though? And he misses more than the promised three months? We're holding you responsible.

So, in the meantime, do us a favor, OK? Please, for the love of the gods of baseball, stay away your owner's arm during his rehab.

Warm regards,
Stephen Young and the rest of the Central Track staff