The Naked Truth.

The Most Revealing Yelp Reviews of Dallas Strip Clubs.

Between bachelor/bachelorette parties, birthday throwdowns, drunken escapades and just regular ol’ horny jaunts, most of us have visited at least one strip club in our lives.

And, hey, that’s nothing to be ashamed about. Almost always, a trip to the strip club makes for a good story. Rappers have basically proved this to be true throughout the years; hip-hop has long mastered the art of adult playground story-relaying.

But, these days, even regular folks like you and me are getting in on that strip-club-experience-sharing action, too. Where? On Yelp, duh, because of course that’s where we’re doing that.

It’s pretty funny, actually: Some local strip club reviews we’ve found on the site get right to the point, detailing the very specific positives and negatives of these various establishments; others are literary works all their own.

Regardless, Yelp-hosted strip club reviews have now developed into a real enough trend where at least one Tumblr page exists solely to share these pieces of prose (see: One Star Yelp Reviews of Strip Clubs).

But what information can we actually learn about the various strip clubs in Dallas from perusing the Yelp reviews of local strip clubs? Glad you asked.

Below, we’re going to answer that various by taking a look at the funniest, weirdest and most revealing Yelp reviews we could find on the subject.

DISCLAIMER: The following Yelp reviews are completely real and in no way reflect the opinions of Central Track. We just found them intriguing is all.

The Clubhouse.
The Vinnie Paul Abbott-owned The Clubhouse claims to be “Home of FUN and the HOTTEST LADIES in TEXAS.”
Notes: Brian H., could you please so kindly direct us to which Barnes & Noble you frequent? Also: Excellent lint-roller tip, Cody L.

King’s Cabaret.
If you’re not looking for this small, Market Center Boulevard, joint you could miss it. Still, by name recognition alone, it’s a Dallas classic.
Notes: Different strokes for different folks, we guess.

The Lodge.
We’ve already expressed our love for this home away from home, so let’s see what the Yelp users have to say.
Notes: Seriously, those club sandwiches are pretty boss. And with all the money Svetlana is saving you, you can probably even afford one!

Onyx.
Moving on to the Onyx Club, the “Nation’s No. 1 Hip Hop Strip Club.” That’s quite a claim. But can the reviews back that up?
Notes: Somehow, we doubt that Candy Apple is her real name.

SilverCity Cabaret.
SilverCity Cabaret claims to be the “largest adult entertainment club in Texas,” which we can only hope applies to the square footage of the venue.
Notes: Nice review, but Ferdi doesn’t look like he has much experience in this realm. Or any realm, for that matter.

The Spearmint Rhino.
Normally with chain establishments, we feel comfortable knowing we can come to expect the same thing no matter the location. Whether that thing is good or not.
Notes: I think Ryan F.’s quasi-legible review may be a cry for help from a very serious addiction to Yelp. Forget about your hipster friends who can’t eat a meal without slapping a filter and some hash tags on it. This guy is already typing up his criticisms as soon as he walks in the door. At a stunning 291 total submissions (and counting), (and counting), it seems this guy has reviewed every Starbucks in the DFW area.

The Tin Room.
Lookin’ for a hunk of man meat? The Tin Room is the place to go. Aside from a wide selection of talented dancers, The Tin Room boasts is also “family owned and operated.” Charming.
Notes: Wait, does Jerry offer any senior discounts? Also, who goes to a strip club expecting something even relatively close to Disneyland?

XTC.
According to inside sources of ours, “money fallin’ from the sky” at this place. Sounds like someone could use a money clip!
Notes: Welp.

Zona Rosa Cabaret.
As the name somewhat implies, this Regal Row spot aims to be decidedly a Latin-flavored.
Notes: DoctorNipple s., you’re a hero.