Chelsea
Spitting is Gross (Except When I Do It).
Hey Narcissist!
So, my best friend was in a pinch for rent last month and borrowed some money from me. I was glad to help out. But then, just the other day, we were at the mall and he bought himself a birthday present. I'd be fine with this if he had paid me back what I lent to him, but he hadn't done that yet. Does he get a free pass because it's a birthday gift for himself, or shouldn't paying back his friend be an even better, much more acceptable birthday gift?
— Antsy in Addison
The thing about birthdays is that you get gifts for other people, as far as convention goes.
Was it even his birthday? Did you refuse to get him a birthday gift, so he is spiting you by buying himself one in order to put you in a hole since he owes you money? Rude of him.
I have never lent anyone money because I don't use traditional currency. I have a rather large collection of seashells that I use as payment. The only problem is that, if I'm near a beach area, they don't want my seashells (because of seashell surplus), so I have to bust out my far more precious lava rocks. I don't like giving away my lava rocks because I'm trying to save up enough of them that I can install them into my floor tiles, therefore affording myself the most literal chance to play a game of “the floor is lava” ever.
I'm actually getting better at games. I play Minesweeper a lot, but I just restart the same game over and over and try to memorize where the bombs are. It takes me about an hour to win a game that way.
On the plus side, I lack a certain ennui that I used to possess.
Hey Narcissist,
Lately, I've been noticing that I spit a lot. Not in public or around others, but I pretty much compulsively spit any time I'm alone at a sink, toilet, in the shower, etc. Now that I've noticed this habit, I feel like a giant fleshy bag of saliva. Am I a gross human being or am I OK so long as I don't do it in public? Also, should I see a doctor about this?
— Spitz in Springtown
So it's more of a compulsive thing than anything else? Does anything trigger you to spit, like when people say their favorite book is On the Road or when people use the word “literally” when making figurative statements? I sometimes spit when people wave at me, just to let them know that I don't value their greeting or them as a person.
Do you enjoy spitting? If so, that could totally be something you put on your OK Cupid profile. Some people are into that.
But, yeah, spitting all the time is pretty gross. I have a friend who is always spitting on public, so I have to spit on him to get him to stop.
It's this weird circular saliva exchange that never ends.
Dear Narcissist,
Long-time listener, first-time caller. My mom has been dating this guy, and my sister and I hate him. Scratch that; no one likes this guy. We can't figure out what he's got going for himself, but she's super into him. It's getting to the point where we can't stomach spending time with our mom because this guy is such an awful person. We've tried to bring it up and talk to her about it, but it only seems to drive them closer together. Do we just try and weather the storm and hope it all falls apart sooner than later?
–Confused in The Colony
Hey, this sounds a lot like the plot of a bad romantic comedy starring Diane Keaton! Is your mom Diane Keaton? If so, congrats! You're probably rich!
I think the best thing to do is to drive off your mom's boyfriend through a series of elaborate pranks.
If I were you, I wouldn't be above short-sheeting his bed and putting floor dust in his cereal box. Or maybe you can constantly neg him until his self-esteem is in shatters and he'll do anything to escape you, including dump your mom.
Then, presumably, your mom would discover that the man she had been looking for was right next to her the whole time. Does she have a male coworker she is close with or maybe a male BFF? It's probably him.
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