Central Track Contributor
An Arbitrary Look At What The Stars Have In Store For You.
Welcome to our unlicensed astrological look at the week to come. We are not professional astrologists, we just have gut feelings. Take these horoscopes as you will.
Aquarius (January 20 through February 18)
Before Craigslist, how could you ever know if you were someone's Missed Connection?
Pisces (February 19 through March 20)
Two weeks until the NBA season starts. Two weeks until the NBA season starts. Two weeks until the NBA season starts. Two weeks until the NBA season starts. Two weeks until the NBA season starts…
Aries (March 21 through April 19)
Lean how to recognize spam and stop believing those Twitter direct messages with links claiming that someone's talking shit about you.
Taurus (April 20 through May 20)
Maybe it's time you tried out ChristianMingle.com.
Gemini (May 21 through June 20)
Remember to tell Siri to remind you to pay your credit card bill this month.
Cancer (June 21 through July 22)
You're fun. You know that?
Leo (July 23 through August 22)
Wouldn't it be cool if, just like in your fantasy football league, you could drop Tony Romo and pick up Eli Manning, no problem?
Virgo (August 23 through September 22)
Becoming a CEO isn't as simple as declaring it on your Twitter profile's bio.
Libra (September 23 through October 22)
You watch way too much House Hunters. Switch things up from time to time and watch House Hunters International.
Scorpio (October 23 through November 21)
Whatever. You didn't really want to watch the Major League Baseball Playoffs anyway.
Sagittarius (November 22 through December 21)
You're gonna wear that shirt? You always where that shirt.
Capricorn (December 22 through January 19)
“Strip club?” is the most dangerous question a person can be asked.
