Central Track Contributor
An Arbitrary Look At What The Stars Have In Store For You.
Welcome to our unlicensed astrological look at the week to come. We are not professional astrologists, we just have gut feelings. Take these horoscopes as you will.
Aquarius (January 20 through February 18)
You will experience a renewed interest in leftovers.
Pisces (February 19 through March 20)
Your diet starts tomorrow.
Aries (March 21 through April 19)
If you must publicly blame turkey for your napping habits of late, that's fine — so long as you internally acknowledge that you're just lazy.
Taurus (April 20 through May 20)
You can probably throw out that cranberry sauce now. No one likes that shit anyway.
Gemini (May 21 through June 20)
Down on the Cowboys? It's not too late to start pretending like you've always been a Houston Texans fan.
Cancer (June 21 through July 22)
You will return at least one of your Black Friday purchases.
Leo (July 23 through August 22)
It's OK to be single.
Virgo (August 23 through September 22)
Seriously, though. That diet you've been talking about. It starts tomorrow.
Libra (September 23 through October 22)
So, um, Taylor Swift: Not that bad, right?
Scorpio (October 23 through November 21)
Stop watching so much reality television. Except House Hunters because that show remains the best.
Sagittarius (November 22 through December 21)
There's such a thing as an Amazon.com wishlist that's just way too long. Don't be greedy.
Capricorn (December 22 through January 19)
When arguing about the best holiday movies, remember: Home Alone is very much a holiday movie.
