Central Track Contributor
An Arbitrary Look At What The Stars Have In Store For You.
Welcome to our unlicensed astrological look at the week to come. We are not professional astrologists, we just have gut feelings. Take these horoscopes as you will.
Aquarius (January 20 through February 18)
If your parents offer to buy, let them. Always.
Pisces (February 19 through March 20)
Dark meat!
Aries (March 21 through April 19)
Baby fever is a real thing.
Taurus (April 20 through May 20)
Drinking in airports isn't the classy look you think it is.
Gemini (May 21 through June 20)
This is the time of year when your mother starts asking why you never married your high school sweetheart.
Cancer (June 21 through July 22)
Black Friday sales? Overrated.
Leo (July 23 through August 22)
The best part about Thanksgiving? Leftovers the day after Thanksgiving.
Virgo (August 23 through September 22)
Light meat!
Libra (September 23 through October 22)
Want to minimize the awkwardness of asking your coworker out on a date and potentially being turned down? Ask just before holiday break! It's the perfect solution!
Scorpio (October 23 through November 21)
You know that movie you've been wanting to see? It's not the Oscar contender you think it is.
Sagittarius (November 22 through December 21)
You used to be Batman? Your mother must be proud.
Capricorn (December 22 through January 19)
Cranberry sauce!
