Remembering The Lives Of Vintage Photography, Epic, Mosquitoes, Bath Salts, And Others.
By Cory on Wednesday, August 22, 2012 at 4:16 PM
Each week, dozens of memes, trends and pop culture items die quiet, unceremonious deaths.
We'd like to publicly give these dead trends the proper memorials they deserve. Then, we kindly request that we never speak of them again.
Vintage Photography, 64, passed away on August 17, 2012, due to complications with overexposure. A colorful character, Vintage Photography was known as a partier, attending as many shindigs as she could. Always the beacon of encouragement, she liked to make everyone feel like they had the skills of a professional photographer by washing out the entire image and throwing focus to the wind. The family asks that you simply take photos of any flowers you would normally send their way and tag them with the #ripvintagephotography hashtag on Instagram.
Mosquitoes, six days old, bit the big one August 21, 2012. Born in an inch of water inside an old tire, Mosquitoes was quite the buzz machine, even making national headlines and causing a state of emergency in his brief-yet-impactful existence. Mosquitoes was preceded in death by 256,593 brothers and 376,293 sisters. He is survived by 424,782 larvae swimming in a Dallas-area birdbath.
Bath Salts, born in 2009, frantically left this world in a fit of rage on August 19, 2012. After having been associated closely with the overblown zombie scare of the summer of 2012, the family hopes that the always super energetic Bath Salts can finally find peace in the afterlife. Bath Salts was preceded in death by his mother, K2, his father, Purple Drank, and his brother, Whippets. The family asks that those who wish to send flowers please make sure your florist uses only genuine Salvia divinorum.
Todd Akin's Political Career
Born November 1988, Todd Akin's Political Career entered the heavenly kingdom on August 19, 2012. Considered groundbreaking in his discovery of the multiple degrees of rape, he will be continuing his research of the various levels of social and political ostracism in death. Todd Akin's Political Career was preceded in death by a father, the phrase Legitimate Rape, and his uncles, Clayton Williams' Gubernatorial Hopes and Larry Craig's Wide Stance.
Epic completed his marathon-like adventure on this earth on August 20, 2012. After spending a majority of his life battling dragons, Greek and Roman armies, the Nazis and traveling over land and sea to all corners of the earth (often on foot), Epic settled down late in life, content just to be associated with a cool haircut or a buddy drinking soooo many beers last night. Epic was preceded in death by a father, Freakin', a mother, Massive, a brother, Extreme, and twin cousins, Fail and Win, whom he was rarely seen without. He is succeeded by a son, Amazeballs. The family hints that the planned memorial services will be an expansive and lavish production with a sweeping musical score to match.