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Is That Microwavable?

By Chelsea on Monday, August 13, 2012 at 4:45 PM

It's about that time of year when our youngest readers' summer days are numbered and their minds start to wander toward what the new school year might bring. To help these bright young minds acclimate, we've put together a handy, five-part guide to help them prep for their return to academia -- but in somewhat of a different light. You won't find stories about the importance of extracurriculars or anything like that here; instead, we'll just be providing insight into the real concerns of the typical college student. Hopefully, it'll be helpful -- and not just to the readers enrolled in school. Hey, sometimes we all need a refresher course.

Microwaves are important. They heat stuff up and turn the eating process into an exciting and mysterious adventure.

You know how long it would take to cook that thing you are thinking of eating on a stove? Freaking forever. But microwaves are straight-up futuristic.

Did you know, though, that there are some things you shouldn't microwave? There are. And there are more of these things than you might think.

To that end, here's a list of things you should and shouldn't microwave. Just take our word on this stuff, OK? Unless you want to try a little experimentation. After all, that's what college is for, right?

Grapes: Sorry to all of those people out there who were really craving some hot grapes right now, but grapes sort of just explode in the microwave. On the plus side, when they do, it kind of looks like a tiny water ballet.

Whole Eggs: If you just stick an egg in the microwave, it's going to explode. Much like grapes, though, it looks pretty cool when it happens, so maybe try to find a friend and stick an egg in their microwave.

Aluminum foil: Do you like fire? Do you like starting fires? Meet your new favorite fire-starting tactic, my young pyromaniac friend.

Plastic plates and bowls: Some plastics will have "microwave safe" written on them, and, if that's the case, you're in the clear! Unfortunately, the really cheap bowls that you can buy at the grocery store are usually never safe for the microwave. They won't explode in the microwave or anything -- and, frankly, this is disappointing -- but they will sometimes melt and be uncomfortably hot when finished.

Styrofoam: Like the Wicked Witch of the West, styrofoam melts!

Metal silverware: First of all, what is so appealing to you about eating with crazy hot silverware? Second of all, putting any metal whatsoever in the microwave is a good way to kill your appliance and make everyone judge you. You will get an "F" in microwaving if you try to do this, and now your whole GPA is gonna suffer.

Soup cans: Take the soup out of the can first, you idiot! See above note about "metal in the microwave."

Stoneware: Stone bowls and plates are definitely microwavable! They're the ideal microwave candidate, actually.

Paper Plates: I mean, you can microwave paper plates, but they just get all soggy, sort of like if you microwaved something on a paper towl. It's not dangerous, though, so you can do it in a pinch.

Water: Surprisingly, the myth that water that is heated in the microwave can explode is true. Thing is, it's so rare that you probably don't need to worry about it. Water only explodes under the perfect conditions, and if you add things to your water, the chances of it exploding greatly decreases, which is good news unless you're that same weirdo pyromaniac I was addressing earlier, as I think it's safe to assume he enjoys all manners of explosions and not just fire-related ones.

Happy microwaving!

See also: Your Dorm Room Doesn't Have to Look Like an Ikea Catalog.

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See also: How to Avoid Your Residential Advisor (and Other Undesirables).

See also: How to Eat Your Roommates' Food Without Them Noticing.