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Ask a Narcissist

Ask a Narcissist

I'm Neither A Dog Nor Cat Person.

By Chelsea on Friday, July 27, 2012 at 12:15 PM

Dear Narcissist,
I've been seeing this guy all summer long, but I'm about to head back out of the region to return to school soon. Is there any way for us to break things off without it being a big deal? I'd like to keep the iron hot for when I get back over Christmas break.
- Nervous in North Dallas

Hey, I'm in college, too!

Right now, I'm taking a summer art appreciation class. There's this lady in my class named Jenna, who talks through the whole thing. She usually talks about her cat named Wendy, who, in my opinion, sounds pretty dumb for a cat.

If I had a cat named Wendy, I'd teach her cool tricks, like how to speak English. Have you ever had a cat that could speak in English? I feel like that's the ultimate cat trick.

You appear more interested in another trick, though: You want to be able to date this guy when you're at home, and, when you go back to school, you want to be free from, uh, attachments.

I guess I can see why you'd want to have a companion over Christmas break. Christmas is the time when people get lonely (except for English-speaking cats, who are never alone because they are universally loved). Meanwhile, during the school year, you'll doubtlessly be surrounded by other guys who fit your companion requirements. I get it.

Now, see, here's the surprising thing: There actually is a way you can convince him to be your part-time lover and nothing more. You're going to need an English-speaking cat to pull it off, though.

Basically, you just have your cat tell him everything that you told me. Makes sense, right? If it comes out of the mouth of a talking cat, he'll be so overcome with wonder and amazement he'll be unable to protest your request.

Dear Narcissist,
My friend recently told me that the reason I'm having trouble meeting girls is because I'm intimidating. I don't think I'm very intimidating. But, if I am, how can I be less intimidating?
- Confused in the Cliff

How many pairs of socks do you own?

One time, I met a guy who owned over a hundred pairs of socks, and all of them were colorful with wacky designs. That is the most intimidating dude I ever met. He even had a pair of socks with gophers on them! I had a hard time looking him in the eye, due to my intimidation (and my inferior sock collection).

I have read that body language is what causes some people to be intimidated, so perhaps you should change yours? Instead of standing up straight, you should lay on the ground whenever people talk to you. Facedown, preferably. Oh, and don't cross your arms! That is an intimidating thing to do! Instead, hold your arms bent in front of you, in snowskiiing position. Nobody is intimidated by snowskiiers.

If that's not enough and if people are still intimidated by your facedown snowskiier body position, then start telling everyone who will listen that your favorite movie is Waterworld.

Nobody will fear you again!

Dear Narcissist,
I think I'm falling in love (in a platonic way) with my friend's dog. Is there an appropriate way for me to steal it from him?
- Puppy Love in Plano

I wish more people would ask me questions like this because there are so many appropriate ways to steal a dog.

Here's one of them.

First, make a decoy dog out of a pile of sticks. Then record audio of yourself barking and place it near the decoy dog. When your friend sees the decoy dog, they will become alarmed and confused. Take this opportunity to lightly punch your friend in the face with a shovel. After that, take both the decoy dog and the real dog, and hide them back at your lair. If you don't have a lair, a house or apartment will do (but I highly suggest obtaining a lair).

Once at your lair, use the supercomputer that you built to erase the identity of the dog that you just stole. When your friend wakes up from their shovel-induced sleep, they will not be able to remember what happened due to the amnesiac powers of the shovel, and there will be no record left of your friend ever owning a dog.

So, tah-dah! The dog is yours!

Now, teach it how to speak English.